the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He felt like a one man threesome
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
