he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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