but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
