So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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