Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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