Define "chronic" masturbator.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
