i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
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There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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