You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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