She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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