I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Randomize
