i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
