bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
