My liver just broke up with me...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
