I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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