I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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