Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
