Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
