I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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