Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
