i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
