I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
