it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
