please come you make the beer taste better
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
