Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
