She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
