half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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