I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
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One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize