I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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