I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
