I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
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I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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