just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
