this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
