I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My ATM looks so different sober.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
