Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
