I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
