Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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