I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
