Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
