i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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