just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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