I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize