My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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