Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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