I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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