go do what you do best...puke behind churches
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
