I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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