Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life