yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.