david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
