I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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