theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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