Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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