I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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