So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
