I could make wine with my vomit
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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