It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
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Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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