I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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