dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
